I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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