Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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