I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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