I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
