it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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