I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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