Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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