Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
