Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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