I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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