this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
