we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
