Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
