She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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