Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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