I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I touched a dick in church today
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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