I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
