I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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