Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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