dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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