whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
