Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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