True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
