We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
