You just made me feel so damn special
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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