she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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