Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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