it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
