Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
