I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
