I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
