im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
