we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
