Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
