My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
