Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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