Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
