so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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