i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
