Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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