Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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