From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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