my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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