I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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