last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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