I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
