Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
