I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
