The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Damn victory sex feels great
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
