We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
