That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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