Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
