just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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