He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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