So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
